Tick Tock, the Biological Clock
My husband and I have been married for seventeen months. Seventeen blissful months. The time has absolutely flown by, and every day I simultaneously feel like our wedding was just yesterday, yet we've been married our whole lives. I think this is how great relationships are supposed to feel, and I am so grateful for him every day. Now that the wedding is over and we've settled into our new lives together, the big question that we get asked most often is of course "Do you want children?"
And the answer? We don't know.
I grew up with this clear notion of what one is "supposed" to do in life. I don't know where it originated, but it was always deeply embedded in my mind. We are supposed to finish high school, then go to university, then maybe get a graduate degree. After that, we grow up, get full-time jobs, get married, and have children. The exact details of this weren't important, just that this was the path everyone was destined to take.
The thing is that now that I am older and wiser, I understand the reality that everyone's life is different. We all walk different paths. We don't all go to school (that doesn't make us dumb), we don't all work full-time jobs (that doesn't make us lazy), we don't all get married (that doesn't make us unloveable), and we don't all have kids (that doesn't make us uncaring). And yet, I sit here with my Master's degree on the wall, my husband downstairs making dinner, and my desk job comfortably waiting for me every morning at 9 am, and I can't help but feel like that final step is supposed to happen. But I'm still not sure if I want it to.
I like my life. Some days I am tired or stressed or really busy, but when it comes down to it I am grateful for every aspect of this hectic life. I love working hard at my job and feeling rewarded for my accomplishments. I love how my body feels after spending the evening at the gym, or getting up early to go for a run before my husband even wakes up. I love when my feet hurt from wandering around new neighborhoods all day. I love huge brunches and living for two-meal-a-day weekends. These things all mean long hours and unpredictable schedules, but I wouldn't want it any other way. I am not willing to overhaul my life or give up any of it.
As more of my friends start having kids or talking about their plans, I am beginning to feel like I am being left behind. Every time I hear another friend is pregnant, a tiny little panic attack happens inside me. I always thought (and still do, really) that at some point my biological clock's alarm would sound, and I would be conquered by this overwhelming need to have a baby. As I hear the ringing from others around me, I sit here in silence contemplating if my body has somehow unwound.
Those who know and love me say that it's okay to not have kids. It's not for everyone, it's a life-sacrifice, it changes your marriage, it changes your life. I know that it is okay for a person to not have kids, of course; but I'm not convinced it's okay for me. Does it make me a bad person if I am too selfish to sacrifice my life as I know it? I know that my husband and I would make terrific, loving parents. We would teach our children to be kind and curious, and we would relish in watching every new experience they had. We would love them more than we thought possible, and we would be better people for it. Our purpose in life would be fulfilled, and we would watch the process recommence in the tiny humans we created together. What more can a person want in life than to raise a child?
And so this is the cross-roads I am faced with as I enter my thirties. I have learned how to make choices that work best for me, but this one -- this BIG one -- still has me puzzled. Maybe tomorrow I will wake up and the alarm will be blaring, but for now I will try to take comfort in the gentle tick tick tick.
As an afterthought, I do want to express my extreme appreciation that most people have figured out that asking "When are you having kids?" is an altogether completely intrusive and inappropriate question. Read the billion blog posts out there on this topic if you're scratching you're head wondering why you shouldn't be asking this question.