Let’s Talk (Mental Health)

hey, let's talk.

If you ask me about my childhood, I will tell you it was great. I had a mom who loved me very much, and two older sisters who looked out for me. My mom and dad divorced when I was 3, and my relationship with him confused me. He struggled with depression and addiction, though we wouldn’t talk about that until I was in my mid-twenties. Even with a great childhood, I developed a perception that success and praise meant that I was loved; in contrast, failure meant that I was not worthy of love. Whether or not this was true is irrelevant, and it molded me as I grew into adulthood.

I was a good student. I played sports. I had lots of friends. When I graduated, I got a good job. I was promoted. From the outside, I seemed to have it together. I was a perfectionist, and the praise that I received fueled me.

What no one could see was the immense pressure that I put on myself. Failure was not an option. I struggled with disordered eating as I tried to achieve the “perfect body”. I had my first overuse injury because the idea of overtraining seemed impossible with my more-is-always-better mindset. I cried some days when I wasn’t able to get everything done. But still I was praised, and that fueled me. I saw the need to slow down as weakness, and I pushed on.

When I was 29, I married the love of my life. I had heard that “marriage is hard”, but I thought pfft not for us. I couldn’t see that the pressure I put on myself was bleeding into our relationship. After three years, we started going to couple’s therapy. Soon thereafter, I started seeing my own therapist.

I was 32 years old when I learned that my “perfectionism” was anxiety.

I was 32 years old when I learned that I don’t need to be perfect.

I was 32 years old when I learned that discovering my flaws would not miraculously fix them.

The mental struggle is me vs. me. Some days I am good at reminding myself that I am safe, I am loved, and my feelings are valid. Some days I say these things to myself, but a small voice still whispers that I could be a little more perfect.

I am learning to recalibrate what I perceive as “success”. Taking a day off is a success. Not hitting a goal is a success. Taking a deep breath and letting go of pressure is a success. Accepting where I am and how I feel in this very moment is a success.

There was a time when I didn’t want anyone to know that my life felt hard. I wanted to be perceived as flawless, effortless, perfect. I now realize that the struggles are more important to share than anything. Because it is normal for life to be difficult, and it is normal to talk about it.

So let’s talk.